This split shift thing is bothering me. And I close far more than I want to lately. I don't get to see Shane much. The scheduling should change, though, once the new girl is all trained. I should use this quiet time at work to do research for my two papers/presentations for class, but I have no motivation. I question all the time why I'm doing this master's program. I don't even like the testing class I'm taking, so what are the chances that I would like doing that day after day for years? Reading about sustainable living (including the sustainability of one's mental, emotional, and spiritual health) makes me realize more and more each day how I'm not headed down that path. I'm certainly not living it right now, but I haven't the faintest idea of how to actualize it in my life at this point. It's not that I use much money or consume much, so there's very little more I could be doing to save money to build the house and all that. I just don't think it's right for me to have to be burned out and frustrated for years to get to that point. There must be some other way, but I can't figure it out. I hate that I'll probably seldom get weeknights alone to spend with Shane between his driving to Cedar Rapids and my closing at work or having class almost every night. It's killing me, and it's hard to remind myself that it's temporary b/c I don't see it ending any time soon.

Feeling: depressed

Well, I finished my paper for group therapy so I am, essentially, done with that class. I have a presentation in Marriage & Family Counseling tomorrow. I thought I had all the research I needed for it, but now I'm finding that there's a lot more on May's and Yalom's specific theories that I could be including in the presentation. So I'm sifting through that information. I'm not terribly worried about the presentation, though. The professor is very lenient. I just always feel that I need to do my best, that I have to exceed professor's standards so they will continue to think highly of me. I'm working on it, though.

After the presentation is done, I need to write a 7-10 page paper for Monday. I don't foresee that being a problem b/c it's a very straight forward, question and answer type thing. And then I need to write my paper on existentialism for Marriage & Family next Wednesday. It's supposed to be 8-10, as well. I hope I can flesh it out properly. I feel like my thoughts are terribly disjointed right now. Hopefully preparing and giving the presentation will help me clarify them.

After the papers, I'm done for the semester! I have a little time off until the 26th of May, when I start my summer course.

I got a callback for an interview at a fitness center for a counter attendant position (checking people in, filling out forms, getting people registered, giving out information, answering phones, etc.). I'm interviewing tomorrow. Though some of my hours would be ungodly early (they open at 5am), the pay is good and I get a free gym membership with it. I think I'll take it if they offer it to me. I'm so sick of the gym we go to right now. It's humid and cramped and too crowded and just generally not nice.

I'm muy stressed lately. We got a kitten. He's polydactyl and his name is Satchmo. He's, for the most part, a good boy, but he has separation anxiety issues. Miss Grey, on the other hand, is not taking kindly to him. She's been growling and hissing any time he gets near. I hope she gets over it soon. It worries me and mkes me feel like a bad mother for introducing him into the mix. She was growling at Shane this morning, so I got up at 6 and have been up ever since. I'm tired already. And hungry.

I've got a presentation next week, another one the week after, and three papers around 10 pages due in three weeks. I feel so ill-prepared. I hope it all magically comes together and gets done. I'm just so tired all the time, it's hard to even read research, let alone process it all. It'll be even harder with watching Satchmo all day. He's asleep right now, but I'm finishing up watching a movie. With ay luck, he'll keep sleeping after the movie so I can read for a little while before putting him in his carrier and taking a nap.

Can't it be mid-May already? I still haven't found a job. I thought I had a few, but I haven't heard back or they've sent me a "fuck you" letter. I'm not even sure if I could handle a job on top of this school work right now. Not with my current low energy levels. I see the doctor tomorrow. I hope she can tell me what's wrong and how to fix it.

That's a lot of hope. How much of it will be fulfilled?

Shane's gone until early Wednesday morning. He left at noon today for a business conference in St. Louis. :( I miss him terribly. Miss Grey and I are lonely and despondent (except that she's curing her feelings by falling asleep on the heating pad.) I feel unproductive. I know I should do something to stop thinking about how much I miss him, but I can't seem to focus on anything. I tried working on a skirt I'm intending to make (I got it cut and all that but every time I tried to pin it, I'd realize I hadn't done something right, so I decided to stop on that for now.)  I don't feel like watching a movie, although maybe I should try. I also haven't had dinner, but I don't really feel like eating either. Or I should do some yoga. But oh the laziness. The blahs. Once I get going, I should be okay, but I have no motivation to get going.

In other news, I keep applying for jobs, but, as yet, to no avail. I'm not sure how I'll find the time to do all that I want to do once I'm working, but maybe the lack of free time then will force me to prioritize and not be so lazy, therefore, actually getting more done in less time. If that makes sense.

Not sure who's reading this anymore, but I guess I need to post somewhere. I've been quite tired lately. And weak. It comes and it goes, but I sleep 10+ hours a night and sometimes need naps. And it takes me forever to get to sleep b/c my mind won't shut off. And then there's the distention and digestive problems and headaches. And, of course, the chest pains and other asthma symptoms. I realize I should go to the doctor, but I already have a physical scheduled for April 23rd, and it seems silly to go in before then. I also realize that some of this is likely due to depression, but I don't know what to do about that. I apply to damn near every job I see, and I've only had one offer, which was for something full-time, which I don't think I can handle right now. It's just so frustrating. I don't want to go back up to 300mg/day on my meds (I have gotten down to 150mg/day), but I might have to. I had the tremors that brings.

Needless to say, my spring break was not very productive. I should have gotten a lot more research and writing done, but I didn't. It's hard to stay awake half the time, let alone read about group therapy for bulimia patients or existential/phenomenological psychotherapy for individuals. I just wish I could find a decent paying job to save up money to do what I want. I guess maybe that means I shouldn't be wasting time or money in grad. school, but that's why we moved back. There are very few job opportunities for Shane here and none for me, and if I'm not in grad. school, I'm not doing anything, which is probably even worse. Not to mention that it forces me to say, "looking for a job" every time someone asks me what I'm doing with myself these days. It's bad enough that my mother asks all the damn time if I've found a job yet, like there's some defect in me, like I'm not trying hard enough. I don't know what the fuck more I can do. I want my house, my sanctuary farm, my big organic garden. But, unfortunately, that all takes money. And to get money, I need a job, which I can't find so, in my estimation, following my dreams is simply not plausible right now.

Feeling: depressed

It's been one of those days. I feel unhopeful (yes, I can make up words) and uncertain about a lot of things, most of all school. I just don't know if I want to be a therapist, even one who does only assessments. I never do all the reading for class b/c I find it incredibly dull. And, for the most part, that's the way I feel about class. It's nice to get out of the apartment and interact w/ people. And I like it when we get into more philosophical discussions, but that's not the point of these courses and it seldom happens, anyway. Aside from Miss Grey and Shane, my life seems somewhat meaningless and/or pointless. I don't really think this is what I want to be doing, but I can't find a job to do instead. And I would hate one where I'd have to work til 5 b/c then I'd be too worn out to work out, but I'm not working out to the extent that I should be anyhow (but I'll get to that later). And I think something like the program Noah's in would be nice, if I could have some reasonable assurance of finding work as a librarian or curator once I finished the program, but I don't want to move to Champagne or Iowa City or Madison. We just moved here, and I like being close to my parents and grandma. I need to see if there are online programs, but those bring up the same problem of funding.

I really need something that will cover tuition, whether through some fellowship or grant or assistanceship or whatever. I don't know how on earth I'm ever going to pay for the program I'm in right now. If I tap out my mutual fund (and take a $3,000 loss), I will have enough for one class this summer and 3 the next semester (maybe...if I make a little money in the meantime...somehow). After that, all my savings will be gone. And for what? A degree I'm not even sure I want with only the glimmer of a job I might like at the end. And, as I said, the job search has not been fruitful, and it's not like I haven't tried.

My other major concern is more health-related. As I said, I'm not exercising enough, but if I push myself too hard, I get winded and get chest pains and wheezing. And I feel so cold while I work out, and the gym's not that cold. I don't know what's wrong with me. I guess it's somehow all in my head and due to my lack of persistence.  And I feel like I eat too much. I'm always munching on graham crackers or cereal or various other bread products and not eating enough fruit and veggies and just consuming too much sugar and too many calories in general. I don't think I exactly eat out of boredom so much as to make unpleasant activities, like reading for class, at least palatable. And to keep myself awake while reading. It's not that I don't sleep at night; I get 8-10 hours of sleep, sometimes more.

And, finally, as should be evident from the above, I'm lacking in the motivation department. I need to finish sewing curtains for the living room, I could be making jewelry to sell online, or knitting stuff. Just, in general, trying to drum up some business so I have at least a little income, but I'm not. I dick around online and don't do anything productive b/c I can't get myself motivated. I don't even do much cooking or cleaning, and I really should since Shane works all day and is paying for damn near everything right now. I owe him at least that. Yet I fail. I know these sound like signs of depression, but I'm not sure that's what it is. When Shane's around, I don't generally feel down, at least not to the extent that I do right now. Maybe being with him keeps me in the present and pushes other thoughts out of my mind. I don't know, but I just know something needs to change. I simply don't know how to do it.

I am quite frustrated with a lot of things and feeling depressed at the beginning of this new year. My fruitless search for warm winter boots was, hopefully, ended when I decided to order a pair on ebay for $40. I just pray they're warm and comfortable when they arrive, since I can't seem to find anything in stores.

My second frustration is with my Loras application. One of my professors has not yet sent in the recommendation. He promised he would do it on Monday, but I remain a little skeptical. I so wanted this to be done far before now, not cutting it down to the last minute.

My third frustration is finding apartments. We've driven to Dubuque to look at them twice (three times if you count the day we stopped before going to my parents) and have had no luck. They've all been complete dives or overpriced. And I see so many listed in the paper that would fit except that they say 'no pets'. I don't understand that. Maybe dogs do some damage if they're not housebroken, but declawed cats do waaay less damage than children, and nobody's ad says "no children" b/c that's illegal. Stupid breeders and all their legal benefits and tax breaks. I don't know why this society encourages breeding so much, especially since we already consume far too much of the world's resources and the planet is already overpopulated.

Anyhow, I don't really feel like driving back to Dubuque again, and I'm sure Shane doesn't., but we have to find something. We talked about just renting from the place I used to live, which wouldn't require the drive until we filled out the paperwork b/c they all look the same, but what cost $400/month in February 2007 is now $435/month, which, if you ask me, is pretty high for a one-bedroom that doesn't even include utilities. It's certainly in our price range, but I'm not so sure now. Things shouldn't be so hard. I've got enough on my mind with moving, finding a job, and starting school (once the stupid application is complete) without having to worry so much about finding an apartment. People are stupid. That is my conclusion. Oh, and the ones who say no pets are also mean bastards.

I can't wait for Christmas. I want to give Shane all his presents, and I'm so curious to see what he got me. We're going to hopefully look at some apartments on the 24th in the morning. There's a duplex that, we both think, would be ideal. This is what it looks like: http://www.execmgtltd.com/properties.php?propid=53 It would be lovely to have a washer and dryer in-unit, not to mention two extra rooms for an office/studio and a guestroom (complete w/ all my sewing stuff, of course).

Speaking of sewing, I finished Shane's Christmas stocking. It's not too bad. Made of a dark blue flannel with black paw prints on it and a black ribbon for a hanger (he didn't want t a Christmas fabric). I'm now working on a pair of purple mitties for myself, having finished all my knitted Christmas presents.

Anywho, back to the subject at hand, if I get into Loras, and I don't see why I wouldn't, I'll be taking three night classes this semester. That means my costs will be lower than expected (yay!), and I should have time to work 15 to 20 hours a week, once I find a job. Shane will be working for Kirkwood, going to Monticello some days and working remotely some days.

On an unrelated note, we're thinking of going more Halloween/Tim Burton-esque for the wedding cake, as opposed to general harvest theme (aka chocolate w/ sugared fruits on top). Unfortunately, I can't do those lop-sided layers, but it would be cool to have a Corpse Bride (Victor & Emily) or Sally/Jack cake toppers, and maybe some spiderwebs and fake spiders for decoration. We'll see. I think it's a neat idea.
Aren't these cakes awesome? http://blog.pinkcakebox.com/corpse-bride-wedding-cake-2007-10-30.htm
http://blog.pinkcakebox.com/topsy-turvy-corpse-bride-grooms-cake-2008-08-31.htm
Not that I could some close to approximating them, but they're good inspiration.

Well, my application for Loras is mailed out. Now all I need to do is have my transcript and test scores sent and interview w/ two faculty in the department. Funding is another matter. Shane & I discussed finances last night. We'll make something work. Hopefully I can find a part-time job where I can work at least 10 hours a week. That'll cover groceries and gas and all those other expenses, anyhow. And then, over the summer, I can work full-time to save money for the next semester. And I've found some scholarships that would help, if I can get any of them. Money sucks. It really does. Spoken like a true Socialist.

Okay, so I totally cried last night when CNN declared Obama the winner. They had people talking about the Civil Rights Movement and Martin Luther King's youngest daughter said her daddy would be proud, and I cried like the sap that I am. I'm tearing up now as I write this. I'm just so happy and overwhelmed; the truth of this has finally hit me. I've never felt so much hope after an election as I feel right now. Sure, I'm mad Manzullo won the 16th district in Illinois, but what are you going to do? He gives lots of pork to the area, and they don't know what's good for them, anyway. Besides, we picked up seats in the Senate and the House, and I hold out hope that Al Franken beat Norm Coleman. :D

Feeling: ecstatic

I mades a new icon. Isn't it adorable? Anywho, I finished the first draft of my essay for Loras. Now I need some people to proof it, and I need to fill out a few forms and mail some forms to professors for recommendations, and set up a meeting time with 2 professors at Loras. But I've got until Jan 10, so I should be good. Beyond that, I'm doing random art projects and wasting time online and reading about the occult.

Feeling: shakey

Bah! I'm just not myself lately. Or a different me, maybe. I'm tired and unfocused. I locked myself out of the apartment today, and Shane had to drive all the way home (about 20 minutes) to let me in and then go straight back to work.

And apparently I've got work phobia or something. I honestly can't figure it all out. I wonder if it might actually be a physical illness, or at least partially attributable to one. I'm going to apply to Loras for the spring semester; school is comfortable, and I might as well go straight to it. I do have to figure out this work matter, though, as I can't be in school forever. I feel bad b/c Shane wants to help and doesn't know what to do, mostly b/c I don't know what to do. I e-mailed my old counselor, though. I hope to have a session or two with her to figure it out. Sometimes an objective outsider can provide the insight the people closest to you can't.

*sigh* Maybe I'll veg out on the couch or just stare into space a while...

Feeling: tired

I quit the job yesterday; thankfully, the supervisor was very understanding. I've put in applications at Hy-Vee, B&N, JCPenney Portrait Studio, Four Oaks (it's a non-prof.), and Camp Bow-Wow (doggie day and overnight care). Hopefully, I'll get one of those. Perferrably the Portrait Studio or Camp Bow-Wow. Cameras and doggies=good for Rachel.

I'm stuck on my grad. school essay. I saved a document and I've scribbled a possible opening paragraph, but I'm just not at all in the mood or mindset to write the essay right now. As far as Loras is concerned, it probably doesn't matter if the essay's not my greatest writing b/c they'd probably let me in on my GPA and GRE scores alone, but I'll need something a lot better for U of IA. But it'll do me no good to write in this state. I just can't keep putting it off.

I guess I should do something productive so I don't feel like I'm just pissing my time away today. Time to pull out the sewing supplies, I guess. Would that I had a nice sewing machine table. It's very awkward to use a sewing machine whilst sitting on the floor with the machine on the coffee table, but it's all I can do for now.

Well, I don't think I want to continue w/ the job at the day facility for mentally disabled people. It's so chaotic, and apparently some of them get quite aggressive on a regular basis. Current workers were showing me bruises and telling all sorts of stories. Plus, I feel incredibly awkward with the whole deal, like I'm putting on a face of cheeriness when I feel trapped and like I can't be myself. I'm just so bookish and introverted. I mean, I feel for these people, but, at the same time, I don't think I can work with them. It's horrible to say, but I can't. I'm going to work today, but I hope to speak to my supervisor before the day officially starts to express my concerns. I might stay the whole day and giver it a shot, but I don't think I can physically or mentally handle physical aggression and tantrums from full-sized adults. There are some people there who I think I could work with and half-way enjoy it, but you can't pick and choose which ones you want to work with.

I've been wondering about grad. school, too. I'm planning to apply to Loras, but I don't like the idea of spending $20,000+ on a Master's Degree, so I'm also planning to apply to a PhD program at U of I. It would guarantee funding if I'm accepted, and I could drop out after fulfilling Master's requirements if I wanted to. I've also been wondering again about Library and Information Science. I don't know if maybe it would be settling b/c its my comfort level when I'd really enjoy something else more. I think I might apply, anyway. I'm jealous of Serra & Noah and their fun assistanceships and so forth. I miss school terribly; I can't find work I want to do. I'm just too academic and esoteric for the work world, I guess. :/

Feeling: nervous

This will probably be all over the place, but bear with me. This past weekend, Shane & I got a sturdy wooden headboard for our bed; it includes ample storage, which is wonderful for our board games and gives us somewhere to put my stuffed animals. At the same garage sale, we got roller blades. We have yet to use them, but I used to love rollerblading, so this should be fun, though, undoubtedly, I will fall. However, we got pads and a helmet, as well. Those will surely go on me. On Saturday we saw Triona in Mt. Vernon. Twas good to catch up and reminisce. After that, we did a bit of shopping in Mt. Vernon, and I got yet more jewelry-making goodies, including a peacock charm for my bracelet and a dragonfly clasp. I'm currently working on a red and orange multi-strand necklace for the mom. I've finished several jewelry projects recently and will post pictures when I finally get around to taking them.

I start my job in Mt. Vernon next Monday. I'm nervous, nervous about getting up at 6;30, nervous about the drive, but mostly nervous about the job itself. Am I really going to be good at and enjoy working with adults with mental disabilities? I have this fear that I will be awkward and miss intellectual stimulation. I am not my mother, that's for damn sure. She enjoyed that kind of work, but will I? I suppose the only way to find out is to just do it, but I have my reservations. Thankfully, the job will be for less than a year. Which, of course, reminds me that I need to get going on grad. school essays and applications and so forth. I find myself going back and forth on whether I'd rather counsel or just go straight through for a PhD so I can teach and do research. Ultimately, I'm most comfortable w/ the idea of research, but that requires moving around the country and might not really be the best of use of my abilities; it might just be me running from the idea of teaching at a liberal arts school or doing individual and group counseling. I guess for now it's best to just get my MA. That means we can buy a house and adopt a child sooner, which, ultimately, will probably make me happiest, as much as I never thought that would be the case. It make sense given the nurturer in me and my desire to adopt lots and lots of animals.

Anyhow, I must mosey on down to get a chest x-ray, so I leave you w/ some photos of my wedding dress (I apologize for the cleavage and lack of train shots; the cleavage is about seeing the beading, not how compressed my boobs are into the dress):

Had a dream last night about being at a DKM concert in Galena (like that would ever happen). Anywho, I'm currently going through my itunes for songs to play at the wedding. I'm never sure how far I can go w/ these things. Is Green Day okay? Rancid? I know to stay away fom Orgy and nin, but don't people expect there to be punky stuff, given that it's my wedding? Can't I get away with that? I'll try, and see what Shane & my mother say. ;)

Hearing: Back Up Against the Wall-Rancid

I went on a job interview today. It's for a Direct Support position at a vocational/daycare facility for adults w/ mental disabilities. The prospect of it is a bit scary. I'd prefer proofreading, but that job is about 35 minutes away. The job I interviewed for today is in Mt. Vernon, so a little over 20 minutes away. It doesn't pay much, but it's more than I need to live on (I'd prefer a little more, though, to save up for grad. school if I go to Loras and a house and so forth). Money aside, though, I'm not crazy about the drive. I shudder at the thought of driving that in the winter. I hate driving enough when it's nice out. And I would feel guilty about gas expenditure and pollution caused by that drive. I just wish I could find something w/ decent hours, not more than 10, maybe 15, minutes away, and around $20,000 a year. Something I'd enjoy doing would be nice, too. *sigh* I feel like I'm being too picky, but I also really hate the prospect of doing that much driving every day. It scares and saddens me.

Speaking of scary, I'm still trying to navigate the grad. school waters. Whether I want a PhD or Masters. Whether I should go to Loras or U of I. Whether I'd rather teach/do research or counsel. Decisions weigh over me, and my psyche is straining. I've been crying a lot more lately and just getting upset/depressed more in general. I was a bit scared that perhaps I was going off the deep end again and would have to up my one medication or switch the other. Now that I've figured out that it's not inexplicable, though, I feel a little safer, I suppose.

Now Shane's talking to me, so I should get going.

Feeling: sore
Hearing: PBS

I have tickets to see DKM in West Des Moines Nov. 19th!!! I am uber-uber-uber excited! *dances around like the little punk that she is* Mosh pits at punk shows are a little intense, and we have tickets to see nin in Cedar Rapids the next night, so I'll probably not do any moshing, but still. DKM; I've never seen them in concert! And tickets were only $19.50 (before dumbass ticketmaster charges), which is pretty good for an act as huge as they are. I love my blue-collar boys, who always think of their fans. :D

I also got a callback interview for a proofreading position at a publishing house in IC, which would be a fantastic fit for me!

In other news, Miss Grey is staring off into space with a slightly apprehensive look on her face, we got a new futon mattress, and we're getting a new fridge tonight. But I need to get dressed and all that for an interview for a day care job I probably wouldn't take if they offered it to me (but it's interviewing practice) and clean up around here so they can get the fridge in the apartment.

Feeling: excited

The dress turend out quite well. It's a bit tight in the bust/rib cage, but that's easily alterable. And it came w/ a headpiece, veil, two mini-tiaras, jewelry, and shoes. The shoes don't fit, but I didn't want to wear heels, anyhow. :D Also, we booked Turner Hall and are planning to have both the ceremony and reception there.

I've been feeling off of late. My chest is congested, and I keep getting dizzy and tired. I think it's the horrid air in this city.

Finally, I got a new pair of shoes! They're brown sneakers. :D

I have calmed down a bit since yesterday. Shane came home early yesterday afternoon and brought me La Ziz (Lebanese food) to eat. I'm exploring my options, also wondering if maybe I should get a degree in Nutrition instead. Looking into online degrees, the only issue there is cost b/c you don't get assistanceships and grants, so it comes out to about $30,000 for a Master's Degree, not including licensure in the state of IA.  That's A LOT of money, enough to fund an international adoption or three. Enough for a nice downpayment on a house. These things are, in the end, more important to me than any degree. However, if I were to work part-time while taking online classes, it might be more doable. We'll see. The search continues..

Speaking of searches, still looking for the wedding dress. Found a few on ebay, just hesitant on dimensions (the one girl is 5'3" and wore 3" heels, which still makes here 2" shorter than me) and the other one's bust is a 34C, so unless there's some give on the bust, it probably wouldn't fit me. She has yet to e-mail me back. And, let me just say, damn people and their strapless wedding dresses. It seems like everybody has one and/or the dress is A-line. I guess most Americans just don't have the taste or figure for a nice sleeveless v-neck w/ a low back and sheath cut. Anyhow, I'm nervous about meeting w/ caterers and reception places b/c I fear the cost there will be more than I anticipated, but I guess I'll make it work one way or another. Damn Galena and its high prices.

Finally, I have a phone interview this afternoon for a short-term position w/ Planned Parenthood. It's basically going out and doing door-to-door education on PP's programs and sex ed. in general. The pay's $15/hour and it's 30 hours a week, so it's a good deal. I'm glad it's short-term, though, b/c the hours are 3pm-9pm Sunday-Thursday for the next 5 to 6 weeks, which means I wouldn't get to see Shane a lot. It's good experience, though, and will give me a paycheck until I can find something permanent. I'm not overly excited about the hours or travel, but I suppose I should be grateful for something, provided I get the job, that is.

Feeling: anxious
Hearing: Heroes From Our Past-Dropkick Murphys